Feeling

The other day I had my first patient that we could not help. How sad I thought at first yet a part of life, a part of my life, this is what I do, not everyone will make it. This time that person didn't make it before we even arrived, far too long before. So as time has passed I have had time to think about what that means to me. First sadness for those left behind, how hard is it to live without the ones we love, never to see, touch, laugh with, hug, tell them we love them and that they have touched our lives. I cried for someone I didn't even know, crazy huh? Brought to the surface some of my own fears. I don't want to die alone, I don't want to die not having felt that great love. I wonder who this person was, how they felt, what they thought as they passed. Scared, lonely?? It cuts deep. What did they fear, what did they love, what gave them joy? So as I walked through this house and outside I suck up the feelings and bury them deep. Standing out there with people who knew this person, God how hard was that. This moment will be forever engraved in my soul. I still am not sure how I feel or what I think about it. Someday I'll unbury the moment and sort it out. But for now there more pressing matters, it's only two weeks until I am finished my training and after the Big Test in June I will finally be a paramedic. My dream- to be there for others when they are scared, hurt, in need of a hand to hold, an ear to listen, comfort, help; the greatest joy is that I am part of that.