Sometimes...

Have you ever sat down and gone over things that aren't making you happy in your life? I have done just that this last week and a bit. Gone over what I feel about different stuff. This last week I have done a ton of thinking about where I am right now. This moment of my life. A whole lot of emtions have come to surface. What started it all. Well I let the goals that others have cloud over who I am and what it is I want from me. I let myself get caught up in the ideas of others and that transfered it self into my esteem going into the crapper.

So I have decided I will not feel badly or like I am doing the wrong thing because I am not jumping on the band wagon. My goal is not fatloss, I am not fat. My goal continues to be strength, it always has been, I just lost sight of that for a while. I don't need to be super skinny anymore, I need to be who and how I am right now. Strong and fit. I don't fit into the ideal of everyone else, but I look good for me.

I have looked back over a lot of pictures lately. You know I won't ever have that 25 inch waist again, but I like me better now. Nothing wrong with 27 and a little bit. Nothing wrong with 28 either. My ass and thighs have grown too, its good, its muscle. I look healthier, fit. Whats wrong with that. I don't need to weight 100lbs. That goal is good for others. They can sacrifice strength and put themselves through feeling like shit just for the sake of what they see in the mirror. I like what I see in my mirror. And no it isn't a trick mirror either.

I also colored my hair back to the way it should be. My own color that nature intended. I like it. If other people don't well fuck 'em. I have dark brown hair. I was not meant to be a blonde or light brown, or red. So time to stick with what makes me happy. I will not do what other people say I should do when I know deep down I do not want the same thing. I need to be happy and satisfied with what I look like.

I know that some things that I really really want will never happen. I have been a fool to think otherwise. But I will still dream and hope and try to get those things anyway. I will not be crushed if it does not work out. I am liked. Iam real and honest. Somewhere out there I am loved too. I have amazing children and parents. I have an awesome brother and sister in law, and awesome nieces. I have the best friends. There are things I long for and maybe I will be able to make that happen.


This relates into another Big thing for me. Love. Not the love from family and friends, but the love I had always hoped to achieve with someone else. You know what I mean. The kind that lifts the person you give your love freely to, helps make their days easier. Cushions the blows that life gives you. The kind that is gut wrenching and so beautiful at the same time. I had hoped that I would find that love. Have someone to lay down with at night, wake up to in the morning. Someone that could accept that I have choosen to foolow a path in life that I have. Could accept that I will see things that would break your heart, make your stomach turn, and things that will put my own life at risk. I want someone that will support me through the tough times, hold me steady and help me see how amazing life is just by looking into his eyes. Someone that will also allow me to do that for him as well. I think I deserve that. I really do. I know that relationships are not always a bed of roses, that it takes the work of both involved. That communication is key, if that breaks down it takes a lot to get it back. I won't gget into the whole nine yards of it. I can say this however... Damnit I want it, and Damnit I deserve it. Everything in life is a lesson and maybe somewhere along the way I missed something. I don't depend on anyone for anything, I doubt I ever will. I try to be fair and honest. But damn its lonely and I hate curling up in a cold bed. Sometimes things aren't meant to be, so I accept that. I also think sometimes if the will is strong enough, the barriers can be brought crashing down. With a bang!

Uggghh

Well this has been kinda crappy. Well not kinda crappy, it basically sucks!! I am so tired, haven't felt like this in a very long time. Hopefuuly I can get some good rest. So heres the deal. Yesterday morning my grandmother had a heart attack, things are not looking so good at this point. No medical lingo or thoughts on this one, I am too tired. My grandmother and aunt just moved back into town this month. So while my grandmother is in intensive care, my mom has been going between the hospital and trying to get everything unpacked and put away at their apartment. I Have been doing a ton of running around for her, taking things to the hospital, picking things up, dropping stuff off, putting up drapes etc. Cancelled the kids parent teacher interviews, no steam or time right now for that. Its ok they are both doing good so I don't feel bad.

On another note...
I have been feeling pretty crappy about myself these last few weeks. I have no one to blame but myself for that. Feeling fat, ugly whatever. Time to get out of the funk. Missed a couple days at the gym this week, couldn't be helped. Back at it tomorrow. That and a new skin care regime. Hoping this will all help, powered with some good sleep. Its a plan, my workout plan is solid so that is a comfort. That is all for now.

Fresh start

I am about to embark on a new path on my journey to fitness and my ideal body. I have just been given a new routine to start hopefully on Tuesday. This has been customized to suit me, my body's needs and my goals. I am so excited, much of the set up especially the warmups are really new for me. I can see already though that it is going to get me where I want to be. The big fitness summit is in April and i should be at the top of my game so to speak by then. My main focus is certain aspects of my strength that I feel are lagging a bit and certain areas of my physic that I want to improve. No focus on fatloss, I have gotten over that. The little bit of bf that I have gained since December is not enough for me to worry about, in fact I think I may look a little better with the added fat. So on to beefing up the shoulder and maintaining the lower body.

Since starting to focus on lifting hard and heavy in Dec of 2005 I have seen drastic improvements in my bod. My energy has gone up and I have more self confidence, though I still have a long way to go on that on. The past summer is the first time since I was 16 that I have put on a pair of shorts!!! Now if I can get feeling good enough to put on a swim suit I will have accomplished a huge feat. I am pretty happy with my lower bod, my legs are pretty good, the hinny is great, waist not bad at all, upper bod its mostly my shoulders that need work, the rest is all strength. Almost there girl just keep moving forward. So what will I do when I hit my goals? hmmmmm maintance mostly I think or maybe set a goal for a big squat or deadlift. We will see then. For now my program is set for 4 weeks and I may run through it twice. From the looks of it I know I am going to love it. I owe someone a huge thank you and a big hug for this one. :D

Sums it up pretty well

When I'm Gone
by 3 Doors Down

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can 't find
Maybe its too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind..


Maybe I'm just blind...

[chorus]
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything you need
I'll also be be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
[end chorus]

Love me when I'm gone
When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

[chorus]

Maybe I'm just blind

[chorus]

Love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone
When I'm gone
When I'm gone
When I'm gone

aarrrggggg

Another day gone. Well finally got the alternator changed on the car, after it left me stranded yet again this morning. This time was at the gas station. On a Monday morning do you think anyone would give me a boost. Nope not a soul, but they would comment on how it sucks to be stuck. Ya nice people hope you relize what goes around comes around! At any rate CAA gets there and gives me a boost. Great in the mean time while waiting the guy in the store was super nice, bought me a coffee. We chatted about his wanting to be a fireman, I encouraged him and gave him a few contacts of friends. We chatted about the value of first aid training and the fact that I am a paramedic. Nice kid I hope that he has good luck in his future, not too many nice people like that out there anymore. So thanks :D. Cost me $185 to fix the car, just for the part, thank you Dave for fixing it so fast for me when I am sure you had better things to do. Dave is a gem, fixs things for me without question or money and usually right away. Hell if I don't have the cash for the part he has paid for things and not wanted pay back. Can't ask for more than that. Good to feel that you know somethings are taken care of and it isn't a huge stresser.

On the other hand the cash for the part today totally wiped out what little savings I had. Flat broke, not two pennies to rub together. Sucks. Blew a rant in my workout log about the ex and child support issues. That sucks too. Going on 4 years now of being free from that hell, too bad I still have to be connected, to bad he is an irresponsible git. Some people never grow up (he's 43 or 44) but oh well at least he has all his toys and goodies. Don't get me wrong my kids don't suffer for his lack of paying (ok well a little as no skating again this year because I can't afford the skates, and littel stuff like that) but I have nothing left of value to pawn. Someday things will be ok again and I will be able to do things alone and not worry bout money shit so much. Work has been super slow so that has made a huge impact, but damnit $200 a month for two kids would really help out right now and it wouldn't hurt anything more than his ability to party for a day or two. Alas its my own fault, I put myself right where I am. Stupid jerk I am.

Another funny thing hahaha. A guy that I have been chatting with that had wanted to get to know me more, get together etc.... yep well story of my life he is trying to get back with his wife. Funnier still he says his feelings for me haven't changed. Thanks try and say nice things to me makes me cry because I do deserve to be treated good! Just not by someone else's husband. Somewhere out there there is someone that would love what I have to offer and thats that. I won't have to take second place or worry that there is someone lurking around the corner that is going to steal them away. Somewhere. I hate somewhere and I am fucking depressed! So it hurt and what do I say ' it hurt but its ok, its all good, I understand'. Haha even funnier I really do understand, I totally think right now he is doing the right thing for himself and that I am being a little selfish. I am not angry with him and I encourage him to do whatever it takes to make it work and I really hope it turns out for the best. It just sucks when you get slammed into the ground yet again. So time to forget that, bam its gone, time to move forward be his friend and support his choices and support him when he needs it. I can do that, still really like him but I can put that aside. Ok done. Deep breath tomorrow is another day and its going to be awesome!

Fun Times!! NOT!

Wednesday! Hump day, Blah!! Well the boys are feeling 100% better and I'm well on my way there too. I finish the meds on Friday and then I should be good to go. I can't wait, I really want to get back into the gym. I need it. My energy levels are so much better when I get a good workout in. The next phase of training is for strength , we'll see how my body responds to the new workout. I have been looking it over quite a bit and I really think this workout will do me good. So I have a plan and I have the dedication and drive, its forward ho now. This makes me happy, I like having a solid goal to work toward.

One another note I have to try to figure out how to approach the ex on the boys tv habits when they are at his house. This should be tons of fun! I just don't think that he gets that a 4 and 6 yr old should not watch movies like alien vs predator. Nor does he get that he should not tell tehm he has seen aliens and their spaceship. My oldest is having huge troubles going to sleep now. 11pm every night since he has come home. What 6 yr old is up til 11pm. So now I have to figure out how to get him to sleep earlier so that when school is back in on monday he will be okay. Fun times. Makes me so sad, poor kid.

New Year

Wow its a new year already! The rest of 2006 pretty much slammed me and hence I did not keep up with my blogging. So time to start fresh.

New Year's celebrations for me were very tame. I watched CSI and not too much more. It was nice and just what I needed. So for me it was the perfect evening. I have been sick the last couple days or maybe more it is all kind of a fog. I got hit hard with a bad throat infection, high fever, and all the lovely crap that goes with it. Spent 4 hours in the ER, not fun. When will people learn to cough etc into a damn kleenex? Thankfully a smart Dr. the just can on shift demanded teh nurses start handing out masks to all those pts coughing. He was appalled that this wasn't already done as they were coming in. I agree with him! Heck if you are sick your immune system is already shot, you certainly don't want to be exposed to more crappy illnesses. I was in there for a throat problem, I wasn't coughing, sneezing, puking, hacking, my nose wasn't running and all the other crap people were doing. Damn people I don't want what you have on top of what I have so please cover it up! I think maybe people are just really stupid and inconsiderate when it comes to this stuff. Kind of like the parents that send their sick kids to school (to infect everyone else) because they cannot be bothered to find alternate care or stay home. Thanks to those parents I am out $160 for meds and such and have had one or the other of my boys sick for the last month. Thanks to those parents my children had a crappy Christmas because one spent it unable to lift his head more than a few inches off his pillow, the other was just tired and felt crappy.

Ok rant done. Big smiles and time to start a fresh slate this year. This year I wlill continue to build on some to the things that I accomplished last year and try to continue with some unfinished business. There will be new endevors and tons more to see and make memories with and for. So cheers and Happy New Year to all.