Sometimes...

Have you ever sat down and gone over things that aren't making you happy in your life? I have done just that this last week and a bit. Gone over what I feel about different stuff. This last week I have done a ton of thinking about where I am right now. This moment of my life. A whole lot of emtions have come to surface. What started it all. Well I let the goals that others have cloud over who I am and what it is I want from me. I let myself get caught up in the ideas of others and that transfered it self into my esteem going into the crapper.

So I have decided I will not feel badly or like I am doing the wrong thing because I am not jumping on the band wagon. My goal is not fatloss, I am not fat. My goal continues to be strength, it always has been, I just lost sight of that for a while. I don't need to be super skinny anymore, I need to be who and how I am right now. Strong and fit. I don't fit into the ideal of everyone else, but I look good for me.

I have looked back over a lot of pictures lately. You know I won't ever have that 25 inch waist again, but I like me better now. Nothing wrong with 27 and a little bit. Nothing wrong with 28 either. My ass and thighs have grown too, its good, its muscle. I look healthier, fit. Whats wrong with that. I don't need to weight 100lbs. That goal is good for others. They can sacrifice strength and put themselves through feeling like shit just for the sake of what they see in the mirror. I like what I see in my mirror. And no it isn't a trick mirror either.

I also colored my hair back to the way it should be. My own color that nature intended. I like it. If other people don't well fuck 'em. I have dark brown hair. I was not meant to be a blonde or light brown, or red. So time to stick with what makes me happy. I will not do what other people say I should do when I know deep down I do not want the same thing. I need to be happy and satisfied with what I look like.

I know that some things that I really really want will never happen. I have been a fool to think otherwise. But I will still dream and hope and try to get those things anyway. I will not be crushed if it does not work out. I am liked. Iam real and honest. Somewhere out there I am loved too. I have amazing children and parents. I have an awesome brother and sister in law, and awesome nieces. I have the best friends. There are things I long for and maybe I will be able to make that happen.


This relates into another Big thing for me. Love. Not the love from family and friends, but the love I had always hoped to achieve with someone else. You know what I mean. The kind that lifts the person you give your love freely to, helps make their days easier. Cushions the blows that life gives you. The kind that is gut wrenching and so beautiful at the same time. I had hoped that I would find that love. Have someone to lay down with at night, wake up to in the morning. Someone that could accept that I have choosen to foolow a path in life that I have. Could accept that I will see things that would break your heart, make your stomach turn, and things that will put my own life at risk. I want someone that will support me through the tough times, hold me steady and help me see how amazing life is just by looking into his eyes. Someone that will also allow me to do that for him as well. I think I deserve that. I really do. I know that relationships are not always a bed of roses, that it takes the work of both involved. That communication is key, if that breaks down it takes a lot to get it back. I won't gget into the whole nine yards of it. I can say this however... Damnit I want it, and Damnit I deserve it. Everything in life is a lesson and maybe somewhere along the way I missed something. I don't depend on anyone for anything, I doubt I ever will. I try to be fair and honest. But damn its lonely and I hate curling up in a cold bed. Sometimes things aren't meant to be, so I accept that. I also think sometimes if the will is strong enough, the barriers can be brought crashing down. With a bang!

Uggghh

Well this has been kinda crappy. Well not kinda crappy, it basically sucks!! I am so tired, haven't felt like this in a very long time. Hopefuuly I can get some good rest. So heres the deal. Yesterday morning my grandmother had a heart attack, things are not looking so good at this point. No medical lingo or thoughts on this one, I am too tired. My grandmother and aunt just moved back into town this month. So while my grandmother is in intensive care, my mom has been going between the hospital and trying to get everything unpacked and put away at their apartment. I Have been doing a ton of running around for her, taking things to the hospital, picking things up, dropping stuff off, putting up drapes etc. Cancelled the kids parent teacher interviews, no steam or time right now for that. Its ok they are both doing good so I don't feel bad.

On another note...
I have been feeling pretty crappy about myself these last few weeks. I have no one to blame but myself for that. Feeling fat, ugly whatever. Time to get out of the funk. Missed a couple days at the gym this week, couldn't be helped. Back at it tomorrow. That and a new skin care regime. Hoping this will all help, powered with some good sleep. Its a plan, my workout plan is solid so that is a comfort. That is all for now.