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Wow what an amazing trip!! It was the most amazing vacation I have ever been on. I learned so much about a lot of things, and a lot about myself. I learned a lot about the history of the place I went and the immense sentimental value it has for one person in my life. I learned that there are a lot of ghosts in my past that I have allowed to hold me back because I have not confronted them. The week held a mix of emotions for me, from total peace and contentment to utter fear and pain. All of it good, all of it cleansing, all of it an opportunity to get back to who I am and allowing those around me to see and feel who that is.

So it started with a 6 hour drive filled with totally awesome conversation and excitement to get to our destination. We arrived at the resort at around 4:30ish in the evening and David had to push the barge free from the sand and rocks to get it to the loading dock. Once he had accomplished that we loaded on all the gear and the ATV , then we were off across the pickerel river. The view is amazing and I am awestruck. I am finally going to the place I have be longing to go for many years. When we reach the landing I learn how you dock a barge and how to tie it so that it doesn't get away from you. It was a great experience. We looked around and came to the realization that there had been a huge storm on the property that had knocked down a tree blocking our path into the camp. Hello chainsawing 101 Jenny! It took a bit of work, especially with me having no clue what I needed to be doing to help clear the mess, but we did it.

The path is successfully cleared and up we go to retrieve the trailer. Back down at the landing we load up the trailer and tie everything down, nothing was jumping out of that trailer let me tell you! Off we go, until.... yep you guessed it, another tree! Together David and I cleared pur way ( stop, cut and go) all the way to camp. There were 6 to 8 trees down that we had to clear. Wow the camp has felt the rath of the storm as well! Trees are down all over the property. The cabin is miraculously intact! There is a huge tree down in the front that scraped the front of the cabin and demolished the shower. There are trees down on both sides and across the back, one blockes the direct path to the wood pile, the deer trees are wrecked but the cabin is safe. We walked around and David shows me the damage and we talk about what it looked like before and all the work that will need to be done by ourselves and the hunting crew when November hunt season starts. We are both in awe, it had to have been one hell of a storm. The light is fading so we unload the trailer and haul ass back down to the landing to pick up the rest of the gear.

We load the last of our stuff onto the trailer and set off once again the 1.5 miles through the bush to the camp in the dark. We unload the last of the things onto the back deck and David hooks up the generator and we start to open up camp. The boards on the windows and doors come down, the back door gets unlocked. We are in. Holy cow I can't believe I am finally here, cue in Jenn's happy dance. Note the time 9:30ish closer to 10pm, holy crap its dark in the bush! So a quick tidy and set up bed. Clean ourselves up, a tour of the cabin and time to set up the food and bring in the stuff that we need inside. Awesome fire, God I love camp fires, I almost forgot how totally relaxing and wonderful they smell. The animals all around up are going about their business, making noise, twigs snapping and the like. I am in all my glory. We discuss supper and start preparing the food that David will cook on a special grill he made for the camp. The sound of the fire, the animals creeping around in the bush, the fish in the water and the sizzle of the grill. I close my eyes and allow it to fill my ears. I think I am in love!

We eat and sit by the fire and David tells me things about the camp, the members that come for the hunt. All the things that they do and some of the funny and scary things the fill the 9 days that they are here in November at the Norway Hunt Club. He tells me about his grandfather and his father, about coming here with his dad and the things they did since he was a boy. It really is a very special place, you can feel it all around you, I feel it coming from David as he tells me some of these memories. It is 3 am before my head hits the pillow. I awake suddenly aware that it is daylight. Holy cow did I just get a full unbroken nights sleep?? I can't believe it, I don't remember the last time that has ever happened. I jump out of bed feeling absolutely wonderful!!

David shows me how to use the stove after we get the propane tank outside( mostly Davids work but hey I helped too) and he shows me how to use the propane fitted stove to start our day with a coffee. I learn how to make a killer fire, taking mental notes, I can't wait to try it on my own!! We spend the morning cleaning up the sleeping area, I clean the kitchen while David cleans up some of the fallen trees from the storm. With the kitchen clean and ready for us to use David and I cook breakfast and talk away the morning and early afternoon, working and talking the whole time. We are set! Did I mention how great of a time I am having. We head off do some ATV riding and explore the area, I get to hear more about the lake and the hunt, more about the people that come here, more about David's Grandfather and Father. A bit later we head back to wash up. The lake water is kinda cold but armed with my scoop, towel, soap and shampoo,, I set off for the rock while David is off to the dock to wash in the woods!! Did I mention I am walking around in just my shoes!!! Guess who didn't think to pack sandals. So I clean up while the mosquitoes try to hav a feast on me. Yep the water is a little on the cool side but it feels great and I am clean. I race back to the cabin wrapped in my towel shoes carrying me as fast as I can go, dripping the whole way. Yippy warm clothes and the towel around my head. Life is good and the mosquitoes didn't carry me off into the woods ( big smile)..

Another awesome fire, Jenny takes more mental notes and David makes super on the grill. Wow the food is great, nothing beats cooking on a grill with real wood. Yummy!! Time to kick back put our feet up, plan out tomorrows events. We end up talking til late in the evening. We head off to bed and I can not remember being so relaxed and and totally content. I had the most peaceful sleep of my life! I jump out of bed in the morning and put on the water for coffee, woohooo I did it!!! That done David starts our morning fire and we enjoy a nice cup of coffee. We get the boat into the water and David gets the motor on and we are off, first I get he tour of the lake, we stop to check out the old abandoned place that is nestled in the trees. What a great little place we explore all the out buildings and the main house. We take about how well made some of the buildings are and I learn about a whole wack load of stuff. We check out Sketter's Garden form the water and not some one must be staying here, there is a boat with the motor on it that we noticed yesterday, those foot prints David saw earlier now make perfect sense. We drive past Sketter's home, yep definately someone there, the boards are off the windows. Oh ya Sketter has be dead for 3 years by the way. Might be on of his kids, who knows. I learn how to drive the boat, which is a task for me, but I finally get it down , you go opposite the way you steer!! I also learn not to twist the handle, it makes you go faster and it may not be such a good thing to do when you have someone standing on the front of the boat fishing.. Oops sorry David ( another big Jenny smile). David catches a fish, mmmmm super. I love fish!! Back at camp I get a lesson on how to fillet a fish. We go upstairs and get it cleaned up for the late arrivals that we will go pick up in a while. Tonight we get a hot shower in the wood shed!!! The neatest little gizmo I've ever seen!! It looks like a big water bottle that you fill with hot water and it has a shore head that you turn on and off. Cool a shower!!! Wash the hair and soap up rinse with nice hot water, its perfect and again the mosquitoes don't carry me off but rather make a nice snack of me.

WOW I forgot to mention the first day that we where in David was getting the outhouse cleared of spiders so I could pee in there instead of the bush, this huge ugly big spider started climbing up his leg!!!!! I'm jumping up and down screaming and freaking out and he just brushes it off and steps on it. It was huge, and ugly, Oh my God I'm so glad it wasn't me, I would have had a heart attack for sure!!

Ok so on with my tale! We get ready and fiddle around for a bit until its time to go pick up the rest of our camping party. Off we go by ATV to the barge and off across the water to the resort. We get there and the lady in the office comes out and tells us the two people we are meeting are going to bed about an hour late. We decide to walk out to the road to see if we can see them and it sounds better than sitting around waiting for them. We walk out to the road and wait a little and then walk back to the resort. Its dark now!! Finally its well after 9 pm when they arrive, we say our hello's and get their stuff loaded on to the barge (holy crap they brought 2 ATV's). Across the water in the dark, David is amazing! None of us can see a thing but he gets us to the landing and I hop out and tie my end up, David ties his end. I'm finding out we make a pretty good team and I am learning a ton. Did I mention I really Love this place!!! We get their stuff loaded onto the trailer and find out the girls ATV doesn't work right!!! Just great, we manage to get things going and begin a slow trek back to camp. Our new arrivals are not as experienced as they lead us to believe so it is slow going!! Finally back at the camp we unload them and David and I have supper finally!! We all sit around the fire, have a few drinks and chat til bed time.

Another glorious sleep!!! I hop out of bed first, put on the coffee water and hop on outside. Time for Jenny to make fire!! It starts out great so I'm thinking sweetness!!!! Its going and I'm a happy girl I go out to the wood pile, not a clue what I'm looking for, oh well grab some wood, it'll burn right. Ummmm no the fire get smaller and smaller until at last David comes out and rescues my poor attempt at fire making!! He explains what happened and shows me the wood to pick and we laugh and get a roaring fire going from my little mousy fire. Ok I'll do better next time, I'm getting the hang of it! Well lets just say girlie and I don't exactly guy along. We all went out on the boat and did some exploring. From here its kinda not so fun but its good. She reminds me of a lot of past things. Enter the ghosts. I do a lot of reading and cleaning. A lot of thinking. A lot of crying.

I think about my Grandfather (more on that another day), I think a lot about how I felt when I was with Ian. Not the whole twelve years, just a couple things. I haven't dealt with them before and its hitting me now! Just some of the cruel things he used to say. The biggest ( there are two things really) is that he always said "People don't really like you, they just pretend to because you are with me! They all think you are stupid so you should shut up, you sound like a moron and no one is interested in what you talk about!" These words echo in my head like thunder. Yep you got it I panic!! What if he was right. I can't bring myself to join in with the rest of the people that are now part of the group. Basically I froze, withdrew and spend a lot of time trying to deal with the words that Ian used to repeat to me over and over again. This is not fun , but I find comfort in the place that I am and I am glad that I can finally clear out the last of the demons that Ian so carefully placed in my mind. Enter ghost/demon two the other echo. Terrific lets just make things worse right!!! Again the thundering voice " You aren't the kind of girl anyone wants to marry" What the hell does that mean? Why do I even care!! I figured out a long time ago that I won't get married and that's ok. It isn't in the cards for me. But now this comes up along with the other stuff. How did I let him screw me up so badly?

The Friday the group went fishing I decided I wanted to stay at the camp to read. I read for a bit then decided to go for a walk. I stayed on the trail and did not go far. I know better, it is very easy to get lost in the bush. There are bears, wolves etc out there and I didn't plan on being a snack for anything other that the bugs! I watched a woodpecker of a bit, I sat and watched a chipmunk scurry around and run over my feet to go play on the other side of the trail. I watched the loonies and listened to the moose. The whole time the echoes in my head. I went back to camp and tried to have a nap, no good I can't sleep. The group finally comes back and I'm not even sure what happened but I end up getting upset and decide I need to have some quiet time so I ventured off again. I was only a couple minutes out who I heard the ATV rumbling behind me. So David and I went for a ride and talked. We stopped at his tree stand and he learned that Jenny is scared of heights. I made it halfway up though! At any rate we ended up talking about what was going on and agreed that we would spend the rest of the time together. We went for a ride on the trails and I found a birds nest on one of the fallen trees. I brought it home for my boys. We eventually went back and had a fish fry it was great the pike was awesome. I love fish! After the fish fry we sat around the fire looking at the stars and had a couple drinks. The rest of the group went to bed early and Dave and I say out at the fire for at least another hour. Then off to bed for the last night of camp.

In the morning I got up and someone else had started the coffee water so I went out to make my second attempt at fire. Success!!! What a fire! I was so proud, but I had to wait until Dave and Jim got back from their ATV ride to show off my fabulous fire. Way to go Jenn. So Saturday was spend making breakfast ( I was picking mini pinecones for my boys) and eating (I passed on the event). We then began packing up our things. I cleaned the kitchen and living room while everyone else packed their stuff. Jim and Cheryl went down to the barge with their stuff and ATV's and then Jim brought the trailer up. While they were gone Dave and I packed the rest of the camp up and reboarded the doors and windows, put the propane tank away and did everything that needed to be done. We loaded up the trailer and the two ATV's and said goodbye to camp. We headed off for one final trip down the trail and then loaded all three ATV's and all our gear onto the barge and set off for the dock at the resort. After some troubles we finally got the barge unloaded and docked. Jim and Cheryl loaded their ATV's and gear into their truck and headed off. Dave and I loaded his van and sat for a few minutes before heading out too. I will miss the camp and I am glad I went. I had the best time and I think that even with the ghosts I have now to confront I want to go back. My memories are good and I'm really glad I could go.

Now the ghosts have to be dealt with and work needs to be done. Despite the fear I feel good right now. May be just may be I might decide that Ian was wrong and I am the kind of girl some guy may want to marry. Just may be. As far as what people think of me I have only this to say- I am who I am and if that is not to someone's liking then they should move on, the loss will be there's. Now it is time for me to go to sleep and confront some of the ghosts or perhaps dream of the sounds in the woods and the crackling of the fire.

Well its almost time for my first vacation since I was like 16 years old. That is half a lifetime ago! Wow I never realized it has been so long. So my boys are going to spend a week with their dad (not sure how I feel about this) and I am going away for a quiet getaway. Out to a private lake for some awesome camping, lots of hard work and r&r. I can't wait!! Is it Monday yet?? I will miss my boys terribly but I really need some time away. These last few months have been especially hard and a rest will do me good. I feel slightly burnt out. There are bears in them there woods LOL, but its great to think about getting out into nature :D I just hope I don't run into any big spiders, yikes, or I'll be screaming like a little girl!! Until I return have fun everyone :D Life is sweet and miraculous!!

Work, Kids and life in general

So I secured myself a job working as an events medic. It been very interesting so far and I really love it. So what this means is that I go to different events (sometimes alone sometimes with a partner, and sometimes a whole crew of us) and act as a standby paramedic. If there is an accident, other incident or medical emergency we treat it immediately. That is an incredible plus for the patient. Immediate medical attention! We get treatment started while the ambulance is enroute and take the patient history for them. What this means is that the ambulance can go immediately to the hospital and the onscene time is greatly reduced, in short the golden hour can be used by the doctors at the hospital. It greatly improves patient care and the patients recovery rate. Also with sporting events we tape the athletes before the game, reducing chances of injury, as well as providing immediate medical care on the field. We also can pull a player if we think it medically necessary, sometimes parents and coaches forget that what's best for the patient isn't always going to be what's best for the team.

Now having a job this means some time away from my boys, but not like it was when I was in school. They are doing great and we have had a great summer. Damian just moved up from being in Dippers 2 to being an otter in swimming lessons :D . Jordy would be right up there too if he would listen and behave during lessons, but he is 4 and his mind wanders to fun stuff. Only a few weeks left until they both start school. Wow how time flys! Jordy will start JK and Damian will be in Grade 1. My little guys are growing up. In some ways I am very glad and in some ways very sad, but immensely proud of them. They are truly my world and I don't know what I would do without them. Even when they drive me nutty !! So the days have been filled with playing, tball, swimming, buying clothes and school supplies ( us single mom's start collecting as soon as possible so it isn't so rough on the pocketbook). I have picked shifts that allow the most time with them so we have had a wikked summer. I for 1 will be missing them a lot when they go to school. The beginning of a new adventure for all of us. I love my little guys more than I can say.

Many nights I have sat in silent reflection, would I do anything differently. Well that brings yes and no answers. Something's I may have done a little different but all in all I think that I wouldn't change much. All that I have experienced has helped to shape who I am and how I handle things. Times are stressful but also miraculous. I finally love who I am, all of me , the complete person. Even the things I used to not like so much and the things I had wished I could change. My workouts have been going great and wow have they changed how my body is. I am strong, healthy and my body is fit. It isn't perfect but I like it just the way it is, and will like all the ways it will change in the future. I figure this is my life, this is who I am , and this is what I look like. I am unique, like no other, of that I am proud. I try each day to be the best me that I can what ever role I happen to be in at that moment- medic, mother, best friend or what have you. Love life you only live it once.

Change of pace

Wow it's been a long time since I have written in this blog. Times have been busy. So much has happened. Jordy turned 4, I turned 32 (yikes kinda creeps up on you), passed my AEMCA exam (now offically a PCP) and got a job. Figured out the boys father hasn't paid support since sometime in May, making things a little tougher than they have to be. The weather has been sickly hot and makes it tough to get out and burn off energy. My workouts here and there have taken an back burner to life, I try to do stuff at home to make up for it so it isn't so bad. Ifinally painted my room ( its only taken 2 years!!) What can I say things are moving along.

Now that most of that big stuff is done and out of the way it has left me the time to think. Sometimes this is good, sometimes not so good. I had figured that once school was over and I was working that things would make a shift for the better. In lots of ways it has however in some ways its worsened. I find I am far lonelier now than I was before. Before I never had more than a few hours here and there to myself, which I filled with studying or catching up. Now each night after the kids are in bed and weekends they are gone I find myself thinking crap what am I going to do with myself now. So I guess now I have to get used to the silence and find some thing to fill the time. I have to re learn how to chill and relax- its seems I have forgotten how to do that!