Stress Relieved

Finished my last day of 'school' yesterday. Wow despite everything going on in life I made it through. My kids survived, I survived, and amazingly I think I actually still have a couple friends. Made some new friends too. My life and everything in it got so busy and complicated, and the more I tried to simplify and clean things up, the worse it got. I tried a different approach, though very difficult to do, I let go. I let go of everything and picked a few things that reminded important. My family, studies and human contact with a few very important people in my life. The rest fell how it may, sometimes haphazardly, sometimes nice and neat. No matter, my kids don't care if the house isn't in order, and no one else comes here any way. Laundry piled up, makes for creative dressing, stacks of papers and books litter my room, no big I only need a corner of the bed to sleep on (what's sleep anyway??). So finished yesterday, big presentation- went so awesome; heavy physical test- passed no problem; then I found myself thinking what's next?? Well enjoy the phenomnal day, went to the gym got my kids, ate ice cream (don't even like the stuff) watched cartoons, talked on the phone to a friend, and finally got to talk to someone who has gained a special place inside of me. So how is that for an awesome day. So this weekend falls to clearing up the forgot and left to the wayside stuff, as my DOMS permit.. Today the biggest thing I did, listened to someone that needed to be heard. That someone is important to me in ways I had though were not possible for me. It really opened my eyes. Through all the chaos that had been my life these last few years, well more than a few, I have healed and found myself. Thanks to a few great friends and someone who brought the me hiding away deep inside to the outside. Never before would I have been able to muttle through a big presentation in front a big group of people, but I did it. How the heck did that happen? When did that happen? So I sat today posting pictures and laughing my ass off having a great day, thinking about that someone who is going through a rough patch. So I told him what it took me a long time to learn (the hard way) some things are not important and things never go as planned, so fly with it and let it be. Take care of the important things the rest will happen on its own. Some things do not matter, so things do. Can't say I remember being quite so happy. Who could ask for more.

Sadness

Sadness. How can I feel like this when compared to other people my bumps in the road are so small. I have friends that are going through so much more. I feel selfish being worried about myself. I have a very close friend that is dealing with the breakup of a marriage and all that goes hand in hand with it. I can imagine that it must be very hard. I have no clue really, yes I left my exlife and ex behind but that was far different. That was a life filled with pain, fear and horror, once I got past being afraid to leave the rest was easy. After I did not look back, I felt like I could finally breathe and that I was safe. Well kinda safe, although I'm still not 100% sure what safe is. So I can only imagine how gut wrenching it must be to break up with someone you must still love to some degree. It makes me sad that I can't do anything to make that better, I don't know how to make that better, no magic in my bag of healing tricks. So I offer support, my ear and shoulder, and my love, what more can I do. Then there is my best friend. His son decided to join the army without talking to him first. I can't imagine what that must feel like, what must be going through his head. What can I do there? Listen and offer comforting words that probably do not so much in the way of comfort. I am very close to being done school. I never thought about the problems, the aches and hurts that I cannot fix. The things that happen to people that I have nothing in my bags that can help in anyway. That makes me so sad. So my little problem seems so small in comparison. I have accepted that in my job I will be exposed to a lot of things that are not so nice, I have been exposed to yet another illness that seems to have possibly infected me, nothing huge that can't be fixed, it may not be pleasant but its okay. And my school stuff isn't so bad. Not seeing my kids (esp now I don't want them getting sick too) kills me, but its almost done. Its not so bad, and my issues pale in comparison to others sadness. Yet I can't seem to shake the sadness that threatens to take over and the tears that seem to fill my eyes more that I care to admit. So I wonder where all the sadness comes from and how I can force it to go away. I think about the people I love and what life brings them, I hope that they realize how much I care about them. If I could I would take their sadness and hurts away, but I can't seem to find that magic cure.

What if?

Well just a week and a half left of school. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, this is the end. I have been wondering to myself if I've done the right things these last two years. Its been hard for my children, its been stressful. I will be holding in some cases a life in my hands, am I ready for that? I can say I'm scared, what if?? I play things over in my mind and I pray that I will make the right decisions without hesitation. But that damn what if always sneaks in! I have trained for two years, I have the best preceptors that I could have ever hoped to have, but now I find my self confidence waning as fear leaps forward. Am I good enough to do this, can I handle it. I never doubted before, maybe because we are all so close to the end I'm just nervous. My stomach is in knots and my heart is heavy. I keep asking myself if I'm doing the right thing, am I cut out to be a paramedic? Time will tell.

Feeling

The other day I had my first patient that we could not help. How sad I thought at first yet a part of life, a part of my life, this is what I do, not everyone will make it. This time that person didn't make it before we even arrived, far too long before. So as time has passed I have had time to think about what that means to me. First sadness for those left behind, how hard is it to live without the ones we love, never to see, touch, laugh with, hug, tell them we love them and that they have touched our lives. I cried for someone I didn't even know, crazy huh? Brought to the surface some of my own fears. I don't want to die alone, I don't want to die not having felt that great love. I wonder who this person was, how they felt, what they thought as they passed. Scared, lonely?? It cuts deep. What did they fear, what did they love, what gave them joy? So as I walked through this house and outside I suck up the feelings and bury them deep. Standing out there with people who knew this person, God how hard was that. This moment will be forever engraved in my soul. I still am not sure how I feel or what I think about it. Someday I'll unbury the moment and sort it out. But for now there more pressing matters, it's only two weeks until I am finished my training and after the Big Test in June I will finally be a paramedic. My dream- to be there for others when they are scared, hurt, in need of a hand to hold, an ear to listen, comfort, help; the greatest joy is that I am part of that.