One more down!! IV training is done, well except the clinical ( can't do that until I have been hired). Now rideouts and AEMCA is all that's left. Interview on Thursday, haven't had one of those in over 6 years.
I'm kinda scared to tell the truth. Unsure of myself, my skills, well not so much my skills. Damn I know that I am a great medic but I have that lingering fear of people. Damn Ian for all the hell he put me through. I really thought that I had worked through most of that crap. I think I may have been wrong about that.
It really irritates me that it can still get to me. The more I have thought about how far I've come the last three years , the more I realize I have so far yet to go. I still worry about what people think of me, I still hear that damn voice that belittles me. It cuts, still, makes me feel I don't measure up. Don't make the grade, how stupid (funny isn't that what he always said too) that sounds writing down, but it doesn't change how it still creeps in. So here I sit coming to terms with all the shit that had been my life for so very many years. That life I have opened up again knowing that I have not shared much of that pain with anyone. I know that to let go completely I need to open up the whole damn mess. So here is as good a place as any. No one here sitting in front of me, no one judging me (atleast not to my face), no one to see the pain or tears. I am alone.
Going back to the very beginning I can see how things began. Attention from someone older, cooler, bigger than I was. Slowly planting the seed that no one on the earth would want the ugly little ducking that I was, except him. This was my only chance not to be alone. So climb aboard my path to hell. Disgusting as some things are and ashamed I am to admit them it was what it was. I was 16, not pretty like my friends, all the boys that I had dated up to this point had cheated and left me for someone else. No so nice, so making me believe that This was my only shot at the little fairy tale life was easy. It was easy for him to manipulate me and mold me into what he wanted. Maid, Slave, object. Clean this ,cook this, do that, wear this. Easy.
Fast forward to 18. Supper wasn't what he wanted, so he would throw it in my face. Think that would be a clue, but it was better than being alone. No he started talking about moving to B.C. Crap! Ok so now I either leave my family and two best friends or stay and lose the only man alive that would want me. Idiot that I am chose to leave. So at 19 I moved. Then the hell began.
B.C. brought about the true colors. Other women, had pictures to prove it but I accepted his lies and felt I wasn't even good enough for him. Why else would he be stepping out right! So I stopped saying anything. Everyone else thought I was so lucky. Must make sure the laundry is done, the house is spotless. Even if that meant staying up til 3 am and he passed out drunk or stoned or coked up to make sure it was done. Yelling, god that was the worst thing then. The names, the cutting remarks. Yes people think I'm stupid, they pretend to like me because of Ian. I'm ugly, can't gain one ounce or he's out the door. Must make sure everything is perfect. Must wear only clothes that were approved of. Don't tell a sole. It's the perfect relationship, yes everything is great, I could not ask for more.
Fast forward again to 25. Move to Ottawa. Things will get better. Moved to the country what could possibly get worse?? Wrong question. More women, money missing and now I'm trapped in the middle of no where. Beaten done, completely alone, isolated, no friends , not allowed to talk to anyone. Went out as the object-perfect girlfriend. Keep your mouth shut stupid girl, you have nothing to say that any one wants to hear. Still ugly, fat, can't do anything right. So other men began to pay attention to me , was told I was cheating because some guy told Ian I was hot and far to pretty to be with him. Wow huge mistake, I paid dearly for that one. Once he left me at a bar and stole my car, I didn't know anyone in Ottawa(except one of his friends) and had no idea where I was or what to do. His friend ended up coming to my rescue, talked to me for hours about how I deserved to be treated better. Boy he didn't know the half of it. The women that he brought home to my house in front of me . The time he tried to use me as payment for a favor. And other things I can't bring my self to write. Soooo....Got pregnant, almost died (yes really) having my first son. Started to think about things.
I remember the day very clearly. Looked into my son's face, though of God what is he going to learn growing up here. This isn't right. I am better than this. I'm not stupid, not really. Just terrified. Did I forget to mention the hitting on occasion (he'll never admit to that) throwing things at me, pushing me around. I began to fight back. I finally grew up. No more hitting, no more taking the insults, no more. I stopped being a slave stopped believing the lies. Could not tolerate the thing he did to me. Ended up being caged (yes literally) in my own home. He would throw thing threw the gate, rage and threaten. Still bring women around. Claimed they were only friends (didn't think there was anything wrong with sleeping with them though did he). So I made the decision to leave.. One problem $100 grad in debt he was to the government, guess who is liable for half, trapped again. Rapped and pregnant with my second. Sneaking around trying to absolve the debt, with his permission to the government of course. Wonderful man that I explained a little of my life with Ian to, he helped me to get the debt cleared, took almost 4 years.
By that time I was sick to death of living where I was- Hell. I will never forget that day either. Just after my youngest turned one. I got the call from my government friend "debt cleared, run like hell and never look back" sneak a collect call to me Dad "Daddy I need help, come and get me and the boys out of here as soon as you can . Please. And don't ask me why because I can't tell you what the last 12 years has been like. Just come get us Please". Three days later he found out and I paid big time. But my Mom and Dad came that night and he and I packed up the boys things and my grandfathers roll top desk. Grabbed our clothes and the dogs and hit the road. I never did look back. I smiled at my Mom looked out the window and cried for three hours. Freedom, I could finally breath.
Three years later now and hear I am . Afraid of success, afraid to screw up. Still feel kinda ugly, but free, and no regrets. I have two beautiful boys and great friends, I am an awesome medic, I care for each patient as if they were me all those years ago serves me well all those years in hell. All the beatings , insults, forcing me to do things that made me sick, everything that I went through has made me strong. Yet also weak. That's all for now I am too drained to write anymore on the matter.
