This obstacle course called life

So you overcome one hurtle to find yet another one just ahead. Or maybe a huge gully to leap over, wall to scale, whatever it is its big. Or atleast it feels that way. Like a test that never seems to end. I feel like I'm failing that test or atleast parts of it. I mentioned previously that I was taken to the ER by my crew. "Heartburn" for 5 days, now like 7. Tests done, lidocane and maloxx mixed to numb everything it touches- 'pinklady'; however it did nothing. The diagnosis= stress. The tx= destress, find some thing to do that relieves the stress. So I'm trying but I think that the stress is winning out, still got the damn chest pain. Can't even call it heartburn because its not. The pain goes from the bottom of my ribcage to the middle of my neck, only on the left side. Had an ECG done, no heart troubles. Good news. I think maybe my body is just saying enough girl I can't take much more.

Again previously I mentioned life with the ex. Not so nice, also added into that was the little fact that I almost bled to death when I have my first son prematurely. Drove myself to the hospital in labor and hemorrhaging, the ex was too drunk at the time. Crawled across a parking lot to the ER, it was closed, locked up, lucky for me a security guard was walking by and saw me. So laying in a pool of blood he scooped me up and ran upstairs to the mat ward. I can never thank him enough. Convulsing on the OR table four i.v.'s in place, my son was fine. I wasn't so fine. But I made it, 2nd birth was so bad except the ex was there. Pretending to hold my hand and telling me to hurry up he wanted to go out with the guys. ***hole.

Then school. What was I thinking. single mom , two boys under 5 and not having been to school in 13 years. I did that too, though this year has kinda beat me up a little. Dated two guys that had big problems and was disastrous. Some times you have to know when to let go, not go down with the ship. I have trouble with that, tend to hang on treading water. Then when I let go out of exhaustion, I feel guilty for giving up.

Then there is the whole self esteem thing, boy I blew that one big time. No I don't think I'm ugly, just plain jane. Not what a girl aspires to be. I had always wanted to be sort of a mix of tough enough to handle things (laura croft??), exotic kind of sexy (kathrine zeta jones?), great mom ( grandma poulin, my mom), feminine yet still rugged enough to take out to the wilderness for some extreme camping. Hmmm thinking Thats not quite how I turned out.
Money. the route of all evil. Damn money, damn needing it. Must find a paying job soon, less volunteer work, need to get paid for what I do. Rent, bills, children and time for me..

Ahh yes time for me. I think I have no clue what that is. So many things I have given up that I used to enjoy doing. Now my life is rideouts, household stuff(suffering greatly) and a little time at the gym ( so I can do my job, and maybe stay looking half decent). On a good note I started writing again. I think I may publish the writing here in installments. Perhaps.

One hour to go. Must finish cleaning. Take the dog out, then drop the kids off at grandma's , go to Jordy's jk meeting, come home get ready for rideouts this weekend. 14 to 15 hours each day all weekend. Try to find more jobs to apply for, not look at the bills piling up over there, study for the big AEMCA, shower, watch a movie I rented a week ago, talk to my best friend Bob for a few minutes, and try to find some time to chat with Roland for a little bit. Ok enough for now, more another day perhaps.